I KNEW IT!

Thank you to Finucane for this explanation about why the educational system is a mess:

I have a Economics test tomorrow that is worth a massive chunk of my grade. Shall I bother cramming and pulling and all nighter?

“C” is for…….

An old friend of mine, who completed law school years ago–and therefore understands the intricacies of detesting grad school–asked me how B-school was treating me. Keep in mind as you’re reading, I would say that this individual is in the top 3 of the smartest people I have ever known.

LoveMeDeux: I live a quite singular lifestyle…I remember you talking about your days just studying until you couldn’t stand the sight of the inside of your apartment anymore–remember that feeling? Yeah, that’s me now.

Counselor: Yeah, I hear the first year blows and the second year is schmoozing for a gig.

LoveMeDeux: I studied for a test until I was bleeding from my eyeballs–and all I got was a C+. But really, who cares? I realised that midway through 1st year (me right now), you stop giving a feck about the grade, and you just want to survive. That’s when I calmed down and began to enjoy learning. But of course, I learned the tough way–hyperventilating at every grade/paper/test the first trimester.

Counselor: Yeah, I did not give a shit about my grades in law school, graduated just under the 50% mark even with being Dean’s List for four semesters…and I enjoyed myself. Unlike the other douchebags in my class.

Relax. Remember, “C” is for graduate!

Now that, haha, is the best rule of thumb that any former grad student has ever passed down to me!

So *THIS* Is Burnout. (I’m Doing It For The Sweatpants.)

My friend Cornelius got a job in San Francisco! His dashing element of “*Pow* Bitch! MBA!!!” paid off, and now he’s settled in the lovely San Fran Bay peptalking me through the home stretch of my first trimester.

LoveMeDeux: I was doing ok, now I feel dejected.
Cornelius: Awwww
LoveMeDeux: I’m in the home stretch…4 more weeks of school. Did you ever feel that way?
Cornelius: All the time, all the fecking time.
LoveMeDeux: I was ok for 10 weeks, trying to scrap. but no matter how much I study, the test is still only about 60% of sh!t I know and the 40% is just fecking nebulous bullsh!t you make up?! It happened to you too?
Cornelius: Of course it did. You’ll make it by. You’re not comfortable with just doing that but it’s what happens. I was so worried I was going to fail out of the program initially.
LoveMeDeux: It’s like…we’re all at the point where we’re like bargaining. Like “Feck…I fecked up that test, it was a 7/10..so I need to crank this paper..will you read it?” “Yeah I will read yours if you read mine?” “I will totally read yours…we need A’s on this.”
Cornelius: You’ll be just fine. Don’t worry. This is not one of those times to worry.
LoveMeDeux: Yeah, that’s 2 trimesters from now in Finance. Ugh.
Cornelius: Come on, LoveMeDeux.
LoveMeDeux: UGH.
Cornelius: Cheer up.
LoveMeDeux: OH CORNELIUS…I am sick of it already.
Cornelius: I know. Ok. You know how much MBAs get post school right?
LoveMeDeux: Were you sick of it after the first semester?
Cornelius: Mmhmm, but I didn’t have a choice.
LoveMeDeux: Yeah, I got my business cards. I’m locked in. It’s final. It says “MBA Candidate, 2011” so I’m screwed.
Cornelius: No no. It means the end is imminent.
LoveMeDeux: Today I was thinking about the 15 weeks of pain that will start in September to December, the next trimester. And I felt like I felt the first week of classes…drowning. Panic.
Cornelius: No, no we all go through it. That’s part of the process. It’s not just classes.
LoveMeDeux: Those are some words of wisdom that I cannot process right now for some reason.
Cornelius: I know, because its tough to accept.
LoveMeDeux: Is it hilarious how having business cards locks you in? Like, “Oh snap! I had the official Pepperdine University business cards printed, I can’t back out and quit school now!”
Cornelius: LOL
LoveMeDeux: And the decal? and the sweatpants? I can’t give up the sweatpants. They’re like yoga pants. They’re blue. They say “Pepperdine”. I can’t.
Cornelius: Hahaha. I figured it was the student loans and sense of failure. But, yeah, sweatpants.
LoveMeDeux: Yeah. They’re comfortable.

Ha! “Student loans and sense of failure.” But no, I’m doing it for the business cards and the sweatpants.

That, and I don’t want to peel the decal off of my car if I drop out.

Grad School Truism No.3

Cornelius graduated his MBA program this past week, and I am one jealous girl! Congratulations to Cornelius! I can’t wait to be over with it, and I have a long 2 years to go. Meanwhile, I have discovered another Grad School Truism. As communicated to Cornelius, there is no spoon*.

Cornelius: So, how’s life otherwise?
LoveMeDeux: Um, otherwise?
Cornelius: Lacking?
LoveMeDeux: Don’t you know? Can’t you tell?
LoveMeDeux: Life = School.
LoveMeDeux: School = Life.

*spoon = life outside of an MBA program.

The Most Important Thing I've Learned Recently: Try To Manage Feelings of Fear & Panic.

I learned that the original panic/fear combination one-two punch that one may feel when entering a situation as a fish out of water is not so bad if you take it in–one little bite-sized bit at a time.

I’m back in grad school after a 7-year hiatus from academia [I graduated from USC in 2002], and it’s a culture shock, emotional shock, brain capacity shock, everything shock.

Four weeks ago, at the beginning of the trimester, I felt ill after every quantitative analysis class, and even considered quitting the MBA program altogether. I thought it was a mistake that I got “let in”. I confess, I actually looked at the paperwork to see if it was too late for me to drop the classes and get a full refund, but I pushed down the nausea, and now I’m 7 weeks in, at the mid-way point in the 14-week trimester, and doing better, emotionally.

The panic/fear combination one-two punch is not 100% dissipated, but I’m feeling slightly better. The diploma is still two years and 5.5 trimesters away, but I have learned to worry about the mountain later, and work on crossing the molehill now.

Plus some classmates and I got a math tutor, so we *all* feel better. 😀