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A Slightly Irrational, Very Fundamental Shift.

20 May

For the 6 months after being laid off, all I wanted, and rather badly, was a job.

I wanted a job so I could feel stable again. So I could have health insurance. So I could put more money away in my CD. So I could fly to NYC or SF to visit friends, or just plain go shopping.

But aside from the emotional implications of having a job, which mainly meant gaining stability back, what we were talking about was the money. I wanted a job for the money. Because money meant that I could do things, pay for things I wanted, but maybe didn’t necessarily need.

But ever since the week of May 4th–the week I became a grad student again–it’s not the money that I want. The stability that I need to function, I will lean on my family for.

Now, all that I want, that I desire, and obsess over, is a grade.

Yes friends, now, all that I want is a C or better in my Quantitative Analysis course. That’s all I want. (I got my Organizational Behavior class covered, yo, it’s like a given that I’ll get an A in that class. I love it too much to get anything close to a B.)

Isn’t it funny how life changes overnight? Now, I couldn’t really give a shit about money, or getting a job.

Funnily enough, despite the fact that I stopped applying for jobs about a month ago, last week I got called back for a job interview, for a job I’d actually be pretty damned good at doing. But walking out of that 4-person panel interview, suddenly I got a bit disgusted.

Two of the four panel members were kind of rude and stiff. (Later, a fellow classmate of mine told me that she had a similar experience interviewing for the current job she has, totally rude people, and that she thought she didn’t get it.) All I could think as I went back to my car was,

“How could these people be so rude! As if that job was as important as my Quant grade?!! Don’t these people get what’s truly at stake?!”

[I know it was totally irrational, but that’s why this is being written on my blog, and not anywhere else.] The point is, I just realised my brain made a fundamental shift–I didn’t want to deal with their emotional bullshit, because it only served to aggravate me when I had “bigger” things on my mind than their interdepartmental shite.

This blog entry is written neither to illustrate how stressed out I am, nor to illustrate how irrational I’m becoming. Au contraire, I’m almost being an anthropologist examining the innards of my own brain, a brain that is slowly taking on a cultural shift that I myself am almost not in charge of. It again illustrates how being laid off was a mixed blessing, because at the age of 28, I feel I’d much rather be concerned with my Quant grade, than some arbitrary job that will probably end up being a dead end.

Regarding the job, now I wonder what I would do if I were offered the position. Six months ago, I would have jumped on it. Now, I’m not so sure.

And if Murphy’s Law has any say in it, just you watch, I’ll be offered this job.

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Random Starbucks Musings

22 Oct

I am sitting in Starbucks sort of lost at the moment.

  • Some guy just walked by wearing the same cologne my first high school boyfriend ever wore. It’s a label, but then again, it’s such a cheesy smelling cologne. Why did I ever fall for it? Ah, right. because I was 17.
  • These girls sitting next to me have said “I mean?!” and “like” and “for reals!” and “Oh my God,” more times than I care to count. How can you study for your final when you’ve that many useless words interspersed into dialogue? Okay, I’m sure you’re going to cure cancer someday, but wow. Really? Of course, Brooklyn, via chat from NYC, reminds me that I also say “like” a few too many times. But I told him it’s not the same because it fades as one grows older.
  • The next chat window over, Elliot is helping me commiserate about the fact that I’ve been unemployed for almost three months now

Elliot: Find a job. People are still hiring, but it gets harder.
Me: I haven’t cried yet. But I might just break down and do it.
Elliot: No, no. No crying allowed.
Me: There’s no crying in baseball?
Elliot: Or life.

Okay, so Elliot made me laugh. At least there’s that.

 

My Friend Elliot, The Anomaly

15 Oct

So I have this friend named Elliot.

And let me be frank at the get-go. We’re friends because we can’t date.

And we can’t date because he has a girlfriend, who happens to live out of state.

I am somewhat puzzled by the whole situation because usually, when I meet a man and am attracted to him, but then find out that he isn’t single, I very quickly, but very politely, sever the relationship. What I mean by this is that I won’t endanger his relationship by flirting or being a big tease with him. I just don’t believe in it. Thereafter, if he is ever confused by my sudden temperature change and the boundaries that are the byproduct, I just tell him,

“You’re really great, and the problem is, I’d like to date you. But you’re not single, so I am keeping it at a comfortable distance.”

So far it has worked out well. No one’s feelings are hurt, and no harm is done, but at the same time, the outcome is that usually the man and I will drift apart. We don’t keep in contact. We stop frequenting the same places where we’d run into each other. Occassionally there’ll be an e-mail or a Facebook wall post. But that’s it. We hide from each other and the feelings that exist by isolating ourselves.

However, strangely enough, Elliot seems to be an exception to this rule. 

Though we have clearly ruminated about the way things might have gone if we were both single, I still talk to Elliot almost everyday via chat. Occasionally we text. I share with him the important things about my life, like my ongoing job search, how I felt about Los Angeles when I came home from Chicago, how I feel about the (painful) MBA application process, etc. He knows a whole lot about me, because I am not one to mask myself and hide parts of myself from true friends.

It is obvious that we have a real friendship, not a superficial fabrication based on two people pretending that they like each other.

But it isn’t like we don’t have boundaries.

This Friday night, I invited Elliot to come with me as my date to go see 9 to 5. Of course, I have no intentions of seducing him or have him endanger his relationship with his girlfriend. I just see it as a friend inviting a friend out to the theatre, especially after we had a conversation wherein he mentioned that he had not seen any of the film musicals I dearly loved, such as “Singing In The Rain” or “Funny Face“. I sense that Elliot is weirded out by this invite and he hasn’t said anything definitive about it, aside from “I’m not dateable,” to which I replied, “Well, it’s not like a real date.” To which he replied with silence. To be truthful, if I were someone’s girlfriend, I might be a little bit weirded out by some woman they don’t know inviting their boyfriend out for an evening event. I get it.

It sometimes makes me frown to know that Elliot and I would most certainly hang out more if we didn’t have to worry so much about “what might happen”. 

But oh well. Ça va. Instead, on Friday I will take another guy friend, a single one, in fact, who happens to be moving up north to San Francisco within the month. It’ll be a nice farewell. (And no, it’s not a “real” date.)

Early in my dating career, I used to be naïve and think that women and men couldn’t control themselves enough to be friends when they had that urge to date, but obviously, my friendship with Elliot is challenging this. And despite the fact that it is a friendship that will endure a few more trials than one that has only purely platonic feelings, it’s probably for the best.

After all, just like Charlie Brown, I need all the friends I can get.

What’s A Girl To Do?

13 Oct

This Friday night, I have tickets to go see 9 to 5, a new musical, here at Los Angeles’ Ahmanson. I hear it’s a good time, and was looking forward to going.

One problem–I have two tickets and no date.

Usually I have a wide array of friends and family to take to this, but with my best friend moved away to Chicago and everyone else otherwise engaged for the evening, what’s a girl to do?

Shall I just sell them?

Shall I send my grandmother and aunt? Usually this is a good solution, as they are ready/willing, and they don’t get as much exposure to culture and arts in Los Angeles as it is.

But I was really hoping to go. I haven’t been out out since I went to see something within my summer subscription to The Hollywood Bowl.

Well, let’s put it this way, if a date, friend or otherwise doesn’t materialize by Wednesday night, I will sell them to a friend who is ready and willing to attend in my place.

Tata Contact

10 Oct

Gentlemen,

When you look at our tatas, we know. I mean, seriously, they’re a mere few inches from our face and eyes–we know when you’re making “tata contact” instead of eye contact. And it’s okay that you’re looking, if you’re not leery or weird about it–we know it’s only natural. But don’t act like you weren’t looking!

And, may I just suggest, if you love them so much, go to SaveTheTatas.com and buy yourself a shirt. Since a portion of the sales goes to breast cancer reseach, I’d bet we’d be much more receptive to your staring if you’re wearing one of these shirts.

Cordially,
Love Me Deux & Every Other Woman On The Face of the Planet.

(Inspired by my Starbucks session this morning where every other man in here was looking at every other woman’s tatas.)

Disaster Sundae, Anyone?

7 Oct

Believe it or not, this is a vintage Toothpaste for Dinner, and yet, Drew is relevant as ever, right on the mark. The original publication date on this is 16 Dec 2006.

toothpaste for dinner
toothpastefordinner.com

Just goes to remind us all that we have been in this muck for years. The economic fallout of this week is only the shiny little red maraschino cherry on top of this disaster sundae.

It’s Kind of A ‘Bleah’ Friday.

3 Oct

Nelle did this, I figure it’s been years since I’ve done one, so I’ll do it too. And I’m still feeling supersalty from the debates last night, so it’ll be a good diversion.

How many peopl​e have you dated​ in 2008?​
One, maybe. He wasn’t worth it. I should never have dated him.

How did you feel when you woke up today​?​
Eh. Still fired up over the debates from last night.

What are your plans​ for the rest of the day?
I’m going to sit at Starbucks applying for jobs, then pick up the little one. I am also going to try and keep upbeat.

Do you want someo​ne dead?​
No, but maybe just hurt. And only if I am allowed to do it myself.

Do you wish someo​ne was with you right​ now?
Yes, but they live far away.​ 😦

What time did you go to sleep​ last night​?​​
Two am.

Where​ did you buy the shirt​ you’​re weari​ng now?
The USC Bookstore. It is a “USC Girls Rock” tee in cardinal and gold.

Ever kisse​d someo​ne who smoke​s?​
Yes. Why is this survey already lame-o? Well, crap. I have already committed.

Is someo​ne on your mind right​ now?
Kind of, but kind of not. I’m not so sure about this one.

When was your last encou​nter with the polic​e?​
Last night. They were driving by the fro yo place I was sitting in front of, and they waved hi to my kiddo and they flashed their lights for her. She was scared and loving it at the same time. We live in a quiet, low-crime area and the cops are relatively nice as a result.

What are you liste​ning to?
The Once OST, and the new Coldplay album, Viva La Vida or Death And All His Friends. And some Diana Krall sprinkled in there.

Did you sing at all today​?​
Yes. How can you not?

When’​s the last time you cried​?​
Monda​y.​ Very publicly, at O’Hare. It was actually very funny in retrospect, but seriously? It sucked. I’m still hurting from it. I feel like it kind of changed me forever.

Why did you cry?
My best friend and I had to part in front of TSA and we were pretty much bawling. People kept looking at us weird but it totally didn’t matter.

Do you miss anyon​e?​
What kind of question is that? Of course!

Are you too forgi​ving?​
Nope, I’m kind of a bia.

Ever have a sleep​over with the oppos​ite sex?
Yes. What kind of question is that?

Do you want someo​ne you can’​t have?​
No. Ha!

Is it okay if you kiss peopl​e when you’​re singl​e?​
What?​ What kind of question is that? Of course?

Do you know anyon​e that smoke​s pot?
Yes. Maahahah.

Do you think​ you’​ll be marri​ed in 10 years​?
Uh, it’s a toss up. My besties say it’s totally going to happen and that I’m still sort of holding out hope for it, but I’m sort of concerned that I’m too demanding of a person and I have yet to find a man who will satisfy my every demand meticulously.

Did you want to go back to schoo​l?​
Yes, I can’t do anything with a Bachelor’s.

Can you handl​e the truth​?​
Yes, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Are your nails​ paint​ed?​
Yes.

When was the last time you wore heels​?​
Yesterday. These sort of painful periwinkle blue ones in an eyelet. They’re cute for sure.

Name one fact about​ the last perso​n who texte​d you?
He is a sailor. He lives in Chicago. I live in LA. You put two and two together.

What is your favor​ite thing​ to eat?
Everything. Carne Asada tacos. Yumm.

Where​ was your defau​lt pictu​re taken​?​
Facebook: While in Nelle’s car in Chicago. MySpace: I fabricated it on YearbookYourself.com.

Do you watch​ The Hills​?​
No, what is this show about? Is it some stupid drama about high school-aged girls with too much money on their hands? Then no.

What do you think​ your numbe​r 1 is doing​ right​ now?
She’s probably working or is napping at home exhausted. The other one probably got off school and looking to get off the naval base for the weekend.