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A True Feat of Douchery

27 Mar

Most Los Angeles men have an understanding.

It’s very simple: if they are douchey, we LA women will not put up with it, at all. We’re a pretty tough crowd, you know. Years of being stuck in ridiculously long commutes getting robbed of personal time as well as jostling for competition amongst the most rich, famous and beautiful have molded us into a highly evolved creature. A creature who has little time for bullshit, with most of us sporting the mantra of “Be nice, or be gone.”

I needed to share these next items via blog because I truly didn’t think men like this existed anymore in Los Angeles. I guess I was wrong. But before we go to the transcript, I will cover a few items to provide the most accurate reading experience to you.

Prefacing Facts:

  • I have met this person a total of one (1) time in person.
  • He is a total stranger who seemed like a nice person, or so I thought, by the fact that he met me halfway across the city to return my lost driver’s license to me after he had picked it up by chance from the floor of the Troubadour, when I had accidentally dropped it whilst seeing Dent May in February. (He found me on Facebook the morning after the concert and messaged me.)
  • I was so grateful when he found my driver’s license that when he asked to keep in touch on IM, I didn’t give it a second thought. Why not? We parted ways, and I smiled to myself as I thought, “Now there is a stranger who just imparted upon me a random act of kindness.” Of course I would want to keep in touch with such a nice person!
  • To further clarify, I have never touched him, kissed him, led him on, called him by a pet name, flirted with him, or otherwise shown him that I was interested in dating him.

Now that the stage is set, observe, if you will, a true feat of douchery.

Brad*: was up baby? how you
LoveMeDeux: Hi
Brad: baby, i miss you
LoveMeDeux: How are you? How’s life?
Brad: when you wana see me? i need some kisses

I have never, ever told him I wanted to see him.I’m lost. I never asked about it in my life. Wow. Also, why would he “miss” me?

LoveMeDeux: I will be out and about tomorrow
Brad:  but hun, you know i’m attracted to you. i just wana be honest w you
Brad:  i wana get to know you, i just wana be as up front with you as poss
LoveMeDeux: But…..Brad. Didn’t you tell me.. You’re seeing someone. I thought we were just friends.
Brad: are you looking for something serious? i would love to date you and get to know you.
Brad: but yea, i think your super cutie and smart
LoveMeDeux: so you’re *not* seeing anyone? You set the tone with that remark
Brad: i’m not “sleeping” with anyone
LoveMeDeux: What does that mean?
Brad: i’m just saying i would like to be with you. i’m open and chill

At this juncture, I am ready to delete him from my Blackberry foreverrrrr. But I was very curious to see the douchey extent to which he’d go. I decided to grill him like I didn’t give a shiz. Because I suddenly didn’t.

LoveMeDeux: Ok let me ask you. Are you seeing anyone else?
Brad: not like how i wana see you, so no
LoveMeDeux: That is not a straight answer.
Brad: just have been busy. i’m talking with 2 girls, nothing serious
LoveMeDeux: Ok. And how far does that go to
Brad: have not even kissed them. are you looking for something serious?
LoveMeDeux: I only date people who only date one person at a time.
Brad: i know, which i respect
LoveMeDeux: You are seeing other people, whether it be casual or not. To me that qualifies as your dance card being full.
Brad: baby, i just told you, i’m not sleeping with anyone
LoveMeDeux: Yes I know that, but having sex is not the indicator of a relationship. It’s more than just sex that’s important to me. When I am with a man, I expect him to see 1 person and 1 person only.
LoveMeDeux: Me. And vice versa. I am a loyal person.
Brad: not just that hun, hard to explain over IM
LoveMeDeux: Hah. No I get it! Worry not.
Brad: no, you don’t. like i said, it’s hard to explain over IM.

This guy is trying like crazy to figure out a way to salvage this situation and get me to see him. Why can’t he just come right out and say he just wants to sleep with me–and let me get on with the “No, thank you. Never.”

LoveMeDeux: Ok, Tell me. I’m listening
Brad: i would love to be intimate with you, of course, but also see movie, dinner. all that. and be respectful of you

How is trying to date me–plus two other women at the same time–being respectful of me? Did I not get a memo? What?

Brad: but i dont want something 100% commited. ya know – like if i’m sleeping with you, i’m with you. but i work a lot. just being honest, as i know you are too
Brad: if you would like to try something new with me, i would love it.
LoveMeDeux: Yeah…sorry…When I’m looking, I’m looking for a real relationship. A 100% commitment from both sides
Brad: true. i know. can you try a hybrid relationship?
LoveMeDeux: No, sorry. you’re very charming.

He was, until this bullshit.

Brad: 😉  so are you.
LoveMeDeux: But no. Absolutely not.
Brad: you funny. yea, it sucks i cannot see you the way i want to,

“I want to” being the key words. It’s all about what suits your needs, right? What he meant was, “It sucks that you can’t see this the way I see it so we can have a meaningless sexual relationship.” You want to have sex with me, but you don’t want to respect me and really date me like I deserve it.

LoveMeDeux: Sorry. But I can’t get into a relationship with someone whose mindset isn’t into real committed relationship as the eventuality
 Brad: well, okay, don’t you get lonely, and need some cuddle time. call me. not even sex, but like kissing, massages. i wana share those cool times with you.
LoveMeDeux: sorry. I can’t be with someone who is already talking to two women
Brad: if i stopped?
LoveMeDeux: I don’t have time fcuk around.
Brad: baby, not having sex and fucking around. just being there for you
LoveMeDeux: No. Sorry.
Brad: in a chilll way
LoveMeDeux: Yes…I get what you’re saying. But in my book, there is no “chill way”
Brad: ok, well. good to know
LoveMeDeux: You’re either in or you’re out. I’m hardwired like that.
Brad: true. cool
LoveMeDeux: Sorry. bye.
Brad: keep in touch.

Yeah, right. Let me get right on that. I totally want to keep in touch with you, sure.

(*As usual, names are changed to protect my sources. Even if this one was douchey. Special thanks to KT & PK for their help in picking this one out.)

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Call Me A B*tch, But Sometimes, There Are Things That Have Got To Be Said.

11 Dec

If you give a girl ammunition, don’t be surprised if she shoots back. especially not when you deserve it.

I don’t understand into which bizarre alternate universe I have just been dropped, but in the past three weeks, ex-boyfriends of mine have been e-mailing me via Facebook and MySpace.

What is going on. What. Is. Going. On. I have asked Elliot, Clark, and a few other guyfriends and they all profess that they do not understand what could possibly be going through these guys’ heads. Here are their letters, and my responses. First, the ex-boyfriend from college, to whom I hold no grudges and only wish the best:

Hey,

It’s been way too long not talking. I hope you aren’t angry at me for breaking ex-relationship protocol and contacting you after all this time..

I haven’t used Myspace in awhile.. I guess all the kids are on Facebook, but this is the only way I know how to contact you.

How are you? That’s a very generic question which I had to ask, so I’m sorry for being very generic. So, how are you anyhow?

You still live in LA? I live in Long Beach now. I’m still an engineer churning butter for the Man. Goddamn the Man…

Anyway, hit me back if you’re bored or nostalgic or just anything. I’m not sure why I chose today to send you a message, but I was just curious I suppose.

That’s a nice picture on your profile btw. Very Jackie O.

-Johnny

Before I go on, let me say that I am on speaking/friendly terms with every single one of my exes, except for two. If you know me, you know which two. It’s not that hard. “Johnny” is not one of those two. Anyway, my response.

Hi there,

I never check MySpace! I am on Facebook everyday, however.

How’s life? Still working for _____? I’m still in Los Angeles, yes. I party it up with Jonah every now and then. In fact, we got together for Halloween. You should friend me on Facebook so you can check out the album with the ludicrous pictures.

Hope all is well on your end. By the way, I hear you’re engaged, congratulations!

-LoveMeDeux

Good, right? I know. Give me a pat on the back. I was short and sweet. And this was even the ex that I was really in love with, and thought that I would eventually get married to. The second ex, who contacted me today, is one of two “Please don’t ever call me again”, exes.

Hey,

If you get two of these sorry about that… the first one i think went to the ether…

How are you. Hope all is well with you and the baby…  Good Luck in the Rose Bowl… I of course will be rooting for JoePa… Merry Christmas.

By the way, I will be coming back to L___ in the form of a contractor at S___ (wtf I know)… Do I think you care… of course not… but nobody likes surprises (unless it is a million dollars) 

Sorry if this email is a fly in your zuppe… or a no-nothing email… or whatever… just thought best to let you know…

ok…

michael

It is all [sic]. Kai is rolling her eyes at the grammar and punctuation. And he misspelled the department that he’s going to be working for. Good God…      

Michael,

First, I no longer work at L___. Good luck with that place. A heartfelt thanks anyways, for trying to warn me.

Secondly, I think it best if you don’t contact me anymore. I really meant it when I said I didn’t want to hear from you. At all. In retrospect, I regard our 10+ month long relationship as a rather unfortunate depletion of time, energy and money. I’m both disappointed in myself for not getting out of that relationship when I knew it was a train wreck, and disappointed that you didn’t have the cojones to either make the relationship work, or get out. I still can’t believe I fell for it twice when you asked me to stay and work it out.

Lest you may attempt to argue to the contrary, let me refresh your memory. I endured some incredible things during our relationship that you can’t deny, to include, (tamely speaking), your botching a Valentine’s Night out that you yourself planned so that you can get drunk with your friends, never having you drive to my house, or even meet me halfway when I was the working single mom, you barely acknowledging very expensive and well-thought out birthday and Christmas gifts, and other such nonsense like getting ignored by you when people were around. Wow, what was I thinking?

I suppose this is all irrelevant regurgitation because you’ve said in the past that I was “a model girlfriend”, and you were the one who wasn’t delivering. You are literally the second worst boyfriend I have ever had after kiddo’s dad, who abandoned us. Please, whatever you do, don’t treat your next girlfriend like this. 

Fight On!

LoveMeDeux

PS. There’s a good chance I might go back to work at L____ in the new year. If so, I’ll return the favor and warn you. I’m positive you’ll want it after this response.

I hope it was rollicking good fun for you. I know Nelle laughed her little heart out on the telephone when she heard about all this. There was more that I said to Nelle, but didn’t write. I was bitchy enough as it is.

Time For The Panic Attack!

21 Nov

You know just how attached I am to this thing.

It will not charge. I don’t know what the problem is.

I’m about to leave the house with the old Blackberry on hand just in case I need to swap it out. Sh!t.

He Who Has Not Sinned Shall Cast The First Judgement.

4 Nov

If John McCain cheated on his first wife multiple times with multiple people, then married “the other woman” who happened to be a heiress, how can he say that marriage is sacred?

And that it should be between man and wife only?

How can he even dare to open his mouth and let words fall on this topic? How?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock, on exactly why John McCain cannot be Commander-in-Chief.

She’s Lost Her Mind, Someone Call A Sanitarium.

3 Nov

What is this country coming to?

I know that not all McCain supporters are crazy, but what the hell is this lady thinking? I mean, at some point she had to have grandkids, nephews and nieces and daughters and sons of her own? How would she feel if someone did the same to her children, and only gave candy away to Obama supporters?

America, the home of the brave? Land of the free?

Really?

Good Guy, Bad Guy.

1 Nov

I don’t have the time for a whole lot of bullshit in my life. 

Recently, there was a man in my life that I dated very briefly. Unfortunately, I had met 3 weeks before he was to move up to San Francisco. As much as I liked him, I had to bid him goodbye. I just couldn’t see a way that a real relationship would work with only 2 weeks left to get to know him. He accepted this decision, noting that long distance relationships were notoriously difficult, and understood that it was not going to be fair on the both of us. And though he was not generally happy with the decision, he handled it like an adult, understanding that relationships, and especially budding relationships, were things that were complicated, and adding long distance too it was too much.

We promised to stay in touch and be friends, at the very least.

Other men, however are not as grown up as Mr. San Francisco was. Why, just this weekend, while at a Halloween party, I had to deal with someone who decided “not be friends with me” despite the fact that he admitted that “you were definitely nice, and making an effort to be my friend.”

When asked if I had done something to offend him, he said, “No, but…” and I said, “But what?” and he said, “Um…”

Yeah. Nothing to say, apparently. Unfortunately for him, his ex-girlfriend messaged me previously and warned me about getting further involved with this guy, even when we had not met! How bad could he have been for her to message me to warn me? 

Well, I guess I just found out?!

Why can’t men just be grown ups all the time? This man is not young! He is old enough to know better. How embarrassing for him.

I just sent him a private message telling him that in reality, I knew that he was upset at me because I refused to dote on him and hang next to him 100% of the time at the Halloween party, and, ultimately, fcuk him.

Too bad for him, my vag is not just up for grabs.

A White, Christian Nation?

21 Oct

Now this really, really hurts my feelings.

I want to know what Mike Lunsford would say if Barack Obama came up directly to him and tried to engage him in some casual conversation, whether it is about Lunsford’s financial status, or how he feels about global warming encroaching upon all of our lives and ruining the future for our children.

Would he have anything intelligible to say?

What is going on with the hatefulness in our country?

Why are we dealing with this, most specialized brand of nonsense on the campaign trail while we have a lame duck president who doesn’t know what’s going on in his white house, a credit crunch that is breaking our collective backs, a severely damaged ecological system that may not sustain a future for our children and most certainly not our children’s children, and a war that is bleeding us dry while simultaneously killing off our friends, brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, sons, daughters?

Why? What’s the point? Does that fix any of the huge problems we have? Or does this guy just want to bitch someone, anyone out, based on color of skin?

Don’t answer that.

I think I already know the answer and it hurts my feelings more.