A True Feat of Douchery

27 Mar

Most Los Angeles men have an understanding.

It’s very simple: if they are douchey, we LA women will not put up with it, at all. We’re a pretty tough crowd, you know. Years of being stuck in ridiculously long commutes getting robbed of personal time as well as jostling for competition amongst the most rich, famous and beautiful have molded us into a highly evolved creature. A creature who has little time for bullshit, with most of us sporting the mantra of “Be nice, or be gone.”

I needed to share these next items via blog because I truly didn’t think men like this existed anymore in Los Angeles. I guess I was wrong. But before we go to the transcript, I will cover a few items to provide the most accurate reading experience to you.

Prefacing Facts:

  • I have met this person a total of one (1) time in person.
  • He is a total stranger who seemed like a nice person, or so I thought, by the fact that he met me halfway across the city to return my lost driver’s license to me after he had picked it up by chance from the floor of the Troubadour, when I had accidentally dropped it whilst seeing Dent May in February. (He found me on Facebook the morning after the concert and messaged me.)
  • I was so grateful when he found my driver’s license that when he asked to keep in touch on IM, I didn’t give it a second thought. Why not? We parted ways, and I smiled to myself as I thought, “Now there is a stranger who just imparted upon me a random act of kindness.” Of course I would want to keep in touch with such a nice person!
  • To further clarify, I have never touched him, kissed him, led him on, called him by a pet name, flirted with him, or otherwise shown him that I was interested in dating him.

Now that the stage is set, observe, if you will, a true feat of douchery.

Brad*: was up baby? how you
LoveMeDeux: Hi
Brad: baby, i miss you
LoveMeDeux: How are you? How’s life?
Brad: when you wana see me? i need some kisses

I have never, ever told him I wanted to see him.I’m lost. I never asked about it in my life. Wow. Also, why would he “miss” me?

LoveMeDeux: I will be out and about tomorrow
Brad:  but hun, you know i’m attracted to you. i just wana be honest w you
Brad:  i wana get to know you, i just wana be as up front with you as poss
LoveMeDeux: But…..Brad. Didn’t you tell me.. You’re seeing someone. I thought we were just friends.
Brad: are you looking for something serious? i would love to date you and get to know you.
Brad: but yea, i think your super cutie and smart
LoveMeDeux: so you’re *not* seeing anyone? You set the tone with that remark
Brad: i’m not “sleeping” with anyone
LoveMeDeux: What does that mean?
Brad: i’m just saying i would like to be with you. i’m open and chill

At this juncture, I am ready to delete him from my Blackberry foreverrrrr. But I was very curious to see the douchey extent to which he’d go. I decided to grill him like I didn’t give a shiz. Because I suddenly didn’t.

LoveMeDeux: Ok let me ask you. Are you seeing anyone else?
Brad: not like how i wana see you, so no
LoveMeDeux: That is not a straight answer.
Brad: just have been busy. i’m talking with 2 girls, nothing serious
LoveMeDeux: Ok. And how far does that go to
Brad: have not even kissed them. are you looking for something serious?
LoveMeDeux: I only date people who only date one person at a time.
Brad: i know, which i respect
LoveMeDeux: You are seeing other people, whether it be casual or not. To me that qualifies as your dance card being full.
Brad: baby, i just told you, i’m not sleeping with anyone
LoveMeDeux: Yes I know that, but having sex is not the indicator of a relationship. It’s more than just sex that’s important to me. When I am with a man, I expect him to see 1 person and 1 person only.
LoveMeDeux: Me. And vice versa. I am a loyal person.
Brad: not just that hun, hard to explain over IM
LoveMeDeux: Hah. No I get it! Worry not.
Brad: no, you don’t. like i said, it’s hard to explain over IM.

This guy is trying like crazy to figure out a way to salvage this situation and get me to see him. Why can’t he just come right out and say he just wants to sleep with me–and let me get on with the “No, thank you. Never.”

LoveMeDeux: Ok, Tell me. I’m listening
Brad: i would love to be intimate with you, of course, but also see movie, dinner. all that. and be respectful of you

How is trying to date me–plus two other women at the same time–being respectful of me? Did I not get a memo? What?

Brad: but i dont want something 100% commited. ya know – like if i’m sleeping with you, i’m with you. but i work a lot. just being honest, as i know you are too
Brad: if you would like to try something new with me, i would love it.
LoveMeDeux: Yeah…sorry…When I’m looking, I’m looking for a real relationship. A 100% commitment from both sides
Brad: true. i know. can you try a hybrid relationship?
LoveMeDeux: No, sorry. you’re very charming.

He was, until this bullshit.

Brad: 😉  so are you.
LoveMeDeux: But no. Absolutely not.
Brad: you funny. yea, it sucks i cannot see you the way i want to,

“I want to” being the key words. It’s all about what suits your needs, right? What he meant was, “It sucks that you can’t see this the way I see it so we can have a meaningless sexual relationship.” You want to have sex with me, but you don’t want to respect me and really date me like I deserve it.

LoveMeDeux: Sorry. But I can’t get into a relationship with someone whose mindset isn’t into real committed relationship as the eventuality
 Brad: well, okay, don’t you get lonely, and need some cuddle time. call me. not even sex, but like kissing, massages. i wana share those cool times with you.
LoveMeDeux: sorry. I can’t be with someone who is already talking to two women
Brad: if i stopped?
LoveMeDeux: I don’t have time fcuk around.
Brad: baby, not having sex and fucking around. just being there for you
LoveMeDeux: No. Sorry.
Brad: in a chilll way
LoveMeDeux: Yes…I get what you’re saying. But in my book, there is no “chill way”
Brad: ok, well. good to know
LoveMeDeux: You’re either in or you’re out. I’m hardwired like that.
Brad: true. cool
LoveMeDeux: Sorry. bye.
Brad: keep in touch.

Yeah, right. Let me get right on that. I totally want to keep in touch with you, sure.

(*As usual, names are changed to protect my sources. Even if this one was douchey. Special thanks to KT & PK for their help in picking this one out.)

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8 Responses to “A True Feat of Douchery”

  1. Teslanaut 27 March 2009 at 2:18 am #

    Wow, he uses “Chill” quite a lot…. Scary.

  2. Bsimi 27 March 2009 at 5:23 am #

    Brilliantly doucey ~ makes me proud the be male…. lol.

  3. Bsimi 27 March 2009 at 5:24 am #

    sorry – ‘douchey’

  4. aherrick 27 March 2009 at 10:04 am #

    “was up baby? how you”
    “when you wana see me?”
    “i’m open and chill”
    “hun”
    “in a chilll way”

    Is this guy looking to ask you out or is he applying for the position of a throwback manager/press agent for P-Diddy or Ice-T . The over use of the term “hun” and “baby” makes me hope this guy is secretly a drag queen otherwise his “douchosity” extends way beyond his lack of respect for your dating criteria. Where has the world gotten to when all sense of decorum ,manners and respect are reduced to this? If this is the future of dating and what has becomeof respect for the fairer sex I am locking my daughter up and not just buying a rifle – I will change careers to become a mad scientist and poison the water supply to systematically sterilized these clowns ending the vicious cycle of their reproduction. This asshat needs to be snapped on the snout with a newspaper and reprimanded for peeing on the floor of our better sensibilities!

  5. lovemedeux 27 March 2009 at 10:59 am #

    “snapped on the snout”
    “peeing on the floor of our better sensibilities”
    “poison the water supply to systematically sterilize”
    “applying for the position of a throwback manager/press agent for P-Diddy or Ice-T”
    “hope this guy is secretly a drag queen otherwise his “douchosity” extends way beyond his lack of respect”

    Good God, @aherrick. I was going to comment regarding all of your comments, but I think that @aherrick has done a pretty damned solid job of covering it. Wow.

    When I wrote this blogpost, I was not expecting you guys to reply back so quickly and so vehemently, but I guess you guys see the “scary” aspect, as @Teslanaut says, about the verbiage.

    The best part of this whole interaction is that I keep shooting him down, and he keeps coming back and asking why I can’t see it his way to let him put his penis inside me without regard for the person of me. Wow.

    Where does he come up with the gall, the gumption? We need to bottle and sell his brand of audacity.

  6. Kyle Tolle 27 March 2009 at 11:12 am #

    By looking at this specimen we can gather a few insights for the minds of most douchebags.
    He has confidence. He comes right out and asks you whether you’d like to spend time with him. His confidence is, however, misplaced. It’s in his pants instead of in his head.
    Extensive use of backpedaling. He pushes the matter until he has gone too far. From here, he has to aggressively backpedal to a safe area. Only then can he resume the approach.
    Use of contradictory terms. To woo the seducee, he uses terms such as “hun”, “chill”, and “cuddle” even though he has no intention of ever respecting these suggestions. He will go straight for your pants; there’s no denying that. “spend those cool times with you” – what the hell?!
    Keeping the gate open. He may have failed at rounding up the female here, but he is so stunningly oblivious to his failures and overconfident in his penis that he has the audacity to say “stay in touch.” My guess is that this phrase is reflexive, and he doesn’t really expect you to. Although he could be so self-absorbed that he does expect you to eventually call him, because he is so fantastic, and you want to just be chill with him.

    I cannot believe he said “hybrid relationship”. All that fancy auto marketing has managed to make this sleazeball look the tiniest bit intelligent.

    By the way, I really liked the layout of this post. It was long, but was nicely punctuated by explanation and commentary. It kept my attention all the way through!

  7. sinlgebluenote 27 March 2009 at 11:47 am #

    The way this “Brad” guy talks reminds me of all the kids I come across in online gaming who are under the age of maturity. Some times, these “kids” remind me that there are truly stupid people out there who have watched too many shows or movies where the pushy guy gets his way eventually, that by repetitious acts of persuasion that things will swing their way.

    And who really talks like that? “Chill”? Really? I don’t even remember what decade of slang that would come from where “chill” could be used, over and over again.

    @Aherrick, if you want to become a mad scientist to find a way to sterilize these morons so they won’t breed, I’ll help fund some of the research. Or at least order pizza delivery. Because mad scientists need to eat too.

  8. lovemedeux 27 March 2009 at 12:31 pm #

    @kyletolle, you pointed out my favorite part. He must have coined the term “Hybrid Relationship”.

    You know that “Hybrid Relationship” is just a fancy way of him saying “I want to have sex with you and get everything that I want from you without giving you everything back.”

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