Call Me A B*tch, But Sometimes, There Are Things That Have Got To Be Said.

11 Dec

If you give a girl ammunition, don’t be surprised if she shoots back. especially not when you deserve it.

I don’t understand into which bizarre alternate universe I have just been dropped, but in the past three weeks, ex-boyfriends of mine have been e-mailing me via Facebook and MySpace.

What is going on. What. Is. Going. On. I have asked Elliot, Clark, and a few other guyfriends and they all profess that they do not understand what could possibly be going through these guys’ heads. Here are their letters, and my responses. First, the ex-boyfriend from college, to whom I hold no grudges and only wish the best:

Hey,

It’s been way too long not talking. I hope you aren’t angry at me for breaking ex-relationship protocol and contacting you after all this time..

I haven’t used Myspace in awhile.. I guess all the kids are on Facebook, but this is the only way I know how to contact you.

How are you? That’s a very generic question which I had to ask, so I’m sorry for being very generic. So, how are you anyhow?

You still live in LA? I live in Long Beach now. I’m still an engineer churning butter for the Man. Goddamn the Man…

Anyway, hit me back if you’re bored or nostalgic or just anything. I’m not sure why I chose today to send you a message, but I was just curious I suppose.

That’s a nice picture on your profile btw. Very Jackie O.

-Johnny

Before I go on, let me say that I am on speaking/friendly terms with every single one of my exes, except for two. If you know me, you know which two. It’s not that hard. “Johnny” is not one of those two. Anyway, my response.

Hi there,

I never check MySpace! I am on Facebook everyday, however.

How’s life? Still working for _____? I’m still in Los Angeles, yes. I party it up with Jonah every now and then. In fact, we got together for Halloween. You should friend me on Facebook so you can check out the album with the ludicrous pictures.

Hope all is well on your end. By the way, I hear you’re engaged, congratulations!

-LoveMeDeux

Good, right? I know. Give me a pat on the back. I was short and sweet. And this was even the ex that I was really in love with, and thought that I would eventually get married to. The second ex, who contacted me today, is one of two “Please don’t ever call me again”, exes.

Hey,

If you get two of these sorry about that… the first one i think went to the ether…

How are you. Hope all is well with you and the baby…  Good Luck in the Rose Bowl… I of course will be rooting for JoePa… Merry Christmas.

By the way, I will be coming back to L___ in the form of a contractor at S___ (wtf I know)… Do I think you care… of course not… but nobody likes surprises (unless it is a million dollars) 

Sorry if this email is a fly in your zuppe… or a no-nothing email… or whatever… just thought best to let you know…

ok…

michael

It is all [sic]. Kai is rolling her eyes at the grammar and punctuation. And he misspelled the department that he’s going to be working for. Good God…      

Michael,

First, I no longer work at L___. Good luck with that place. A heartfelt thanks anyways, for trying to warn me.

Secondly, I think it best if you don’t contact me anymore. I really meant it when I said I didn’t want to hear from you. At all. In retrospect, I regard our 10+ month long relationship as a rather unfortunate depletion of time, energy and money. I’m both disappointed in myself for not getting out of that relationship when I knew it was a train wreck, and disappointed that you didn’t have the cojones to either make the relationship work, or get out. I still can’t believe I fell for it twice when you asked me to stay and work it out.

Lest you may attempt to argue to the contrary, let me refresh your memory. I endured some incredible things during our relationship that you can’t deny, to include, (tamely speaking), your botching a Valentine’s Night out that you yourself planned so that you can get drunk with your friends, never having you drive to my house, or even meet me halfway when I was the working single mom, you barely acknowledging very expensive and well-thought out birthday and Christmas gifts, and other such nonsense like getting ignored by you when people were around. Wow, what was I thinking?

I suppose this is all irrelevant regurgitation because you’ve said in the past that I was “a model girlfriend”, and you were the one who wasn’t delivering. You are literally the second worst boyfriend I have ever had after kiddo’s dad, who abandoned us. Please, whatever you do, don’t treat your next girlfriend like this. 

Fight On!

LoveMeDeux

PS. There’s a good chance I might go back to work at L____ in the new year. If so, I’ll return the favor and warn you. I’m positive you’ll want it after this response.

I hope it was rollicking good fun for you. I know Nelle laughed her little heart out on the telephone when she heard about all this. There was more that I said to Nelle, but didn’t write. I was bitchy enough as it is.
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