I have a Economics test tomorrow that is worth a massive chunk of my grade. Shall I bother cramming and pulling and all nighter?

LoveMeDeux: I live a quite singular lifestyle…I remember you talking about your days just studying until you couldn’t stand the sight of the inside of your apartment anymore–remember that feeling? Yeah, that’s me now.

Counselor: Yeah, I hear the first year blows and the second year is schmoozing for a gig.

LoveMeDeux: I studied for a test until I was bleeding from my eyeballs–and all I got was a C+. But really, who cares? I realised that midway through 1st year (me right now), you stop giving a feck about the grade, and you just want to survive. That’s when I calmed down and began to enjoy learning. But of course, I learned the tough way–hyperventilating at every grade/paper/test the first trimester.

Counselor: Yeah, I did not give a shit about my grades in law school, graduated just under the 50% mark even with being Dean’s List for four semesters…and I enjoyed myself. Unlike the other douchebags in my class.

Relax. Remember, “C” is for graduate!

Now that, haha, is the best rule of thumb that any former grad student has ever passed down to me!

Snickers Seinfeld style

I don't know why, but I can always go weak at the knees for a snickers bar and maybe some vanilla ice cream. The combo of caramel, nuts and chocolate is enough to send me over the top in saccharine goodness!

Once, for Christmas, my mom gave me a $200 string of pearls that I have been coveting for quite some times. Then, my brother handed me his gift–a $60 Starbucks gift card, and trust me, the look of bewilderment in my mom's eyes at how I howled, "OH MY GOD! THANK YOU!!!!!" at his gift in comparison to the relatively staid "Wow, thank you, these are beautiful!" I responded to the pearls with was hilarious.

On a daily basis, I cannot open my eyeballs fully, nor function at full capacity without a coffee from Starbucks, so naturally, I welcome any giftcards that I can associate with that energizing feeling

LoveMeDeux: I was doing ok, now I feel dejected.
Cornelius: Awwww
LoveMeDeux: I’m in the home stretch…4 more weeks of school. Did you ever feel that way?
Cornelius: All the time, all the fecking time.
LoveMeDeux: I was ok for 10 weeks, trying to scrap. but no matter how much I study, the test is still only about 60% of sh!t I know and the 40% is just fecking nebulous bullsh!t you make up?! It happened to you too?
Cornelius: Of course it did. You’ll make it by. You’re not comfortable with just doing that but it’s what happens. I was so worried I was going to fail out of the program initially.
LoveMeDeux: It’s like…we’re all at the point where we’re like bargaining. Like “Feck…I fecked up that test, it was a 7/10..so I need to crank this paper..will you read it?” “Yeah I will read yours if you read mine?” “I will totally read yours…we need A’s on this.”
Cornelius: You’ll be just fine. Don’t worry. This is not one of those times to worry.
LoveMeDeux: Yeah, that’s 2 trimesters from now in Finance. Ugh.
Cornelius: Come on, LoveMeDeux.
LoveMeDeux: UGH.
Cornelius: Cheer up.
LoveMeDeux: OH CORNELIUS…I am sick of it already.
Cornelius: I know. Ok. You know how much MBAs get post school right?
LoveMeDeux: Were you sick of it after the first semester?
Cornelius: Mmhmm, but I didn’t have a choice.
LoveMeDeux: Yeah, I got my business cards. I’m locked in. It’s final. It says “MBA Candidate, 2011″ so I’m screwed.
Cornelius: No no. It means the end is imminent.
LoveMeDeux: Today I was thinking about the 15 weeks of pain that will start in September to December, the next trimester. And I felt like I felt the first week of classes…drowning. Panic.
Cornelius: No, no we all go through it. That’s part of the process. It’s not just classes.
LoveMeDeux: Those are some words of wisdom that I cannot process right now for some reason.
Cornelius: I know, because its tough to accept.
LoveMeDeux: Is it hilarious how having business cards locks you in? Like, “Oh snap! I had the official Pepperdine University business cards printed, I can’t back out and quit school now!”
Cornelius: LOL
LoveMeDeux: And the decal? and the sweatpants? I can’t give up the sweatpants. They’re like yoga pants. They’re blue. They say “Pepperdine”. I can’t.
Cornelius: Hahaha. I figured it was the student loans and sense of failure. But, yeah, sweatpants.
LoveMeDeux: Yeah. They’re comfortable.

Ha! “Student loans and sense of failure.” But no, I’m doing it for the business cards and the sweatpants.

That, and I don’t want to peel the decal off of my car if I drop out.

Cornelius: So, how’s life otherwise?
LoveMeDeux: Um, otherwise?
Cornelius: Lacking?
LoveMeDeux: Don’t you know? Can’t you tell?
LoveMeDeux: Life = School.
LoveMeDeux: School = Life.

*spoon = life outside of an MBA program.

I’m back in grad school after a 7-year hiatus from academia [I graduated from USC in 2002], and it’s a culture shock, emotional shock, brain capacity shock, everything shock.

Four weeks ago, at the beginning of the trimester, I felt ill after every quantitative analysis class, and even considered quitting the MBA program altogether. I thought it was a mistake that I got “let in”. I confess, I actually looked at the paperwork to see if it was too late for me to drop the classes and get a full refund, but I pushed down the nausea, and now I’m 7 weeks in, at the mid-way point in the 14-week trimester, and doing better, emotionally.

The panic/fear combination one-two punch is not 100% dissipated, but I’m feeling slightly better. The diploma is still two years and 5.5 trimesters away, but I have learned to worry about the mountain later, and work on crossing the molehill now.

Plus some classmates and I got a math tutor, so we *all* feel better.

However, I need to take this book with me because I will be forced to read it, locked down in the courtroom with no other alternatives. I’ve only done a third of the assigned reading.

God, graduate-level math really sucks.

He cracks me the feck up, serious.

And the MBA conversations continue between yours truly, the MBA novice who is only halfway through her first trimester, and Cornelius, my friend who will graduate his program this week.

LoveMeDeux: This week one your fellow Anderson students told me about the “secret MBA handshake”.
Cornelius: ?
LoveMeDeux: I have no idea.
Cornelius: Me neither, and I’m an Anderson MBA too.
LoveMeDeux: She just said “Yeah well, it doesn’t matter if you’re Graziadio, we have the secret MBA handshake”
Cornelius: Alright…if she says so…
LoveMeDeux: Yeah. I’m like WTF? At the time I was like, “Uh, yeah..the secret handshake, right…”
LoveMeDeux: I don’t “get” MBA people.
Cornelius: ?
LoveMeDeux: It is almost like…a little arrogance? But “justified” arrogance?
Cornelius: Ok no. Cornelius’ MBA Rules.
LoveMeDeux: Ok, tell.
Cornelius: #1 – Any MBA student that tells you directly, or somehow implies, that his or her completion of an MBA has somehow made them better at any one of the following: 1) Project management, 2) Finance, 3) Leadership, 4) Sex, or 5) Any area related to life or business is lying to you.
LoveMeDeux: HAHAHaaaaaa!!!! I think that’s what she was implying with the secret handshake!
Cornelius: It’s the ultimate in MBA bullshit.
LoveMeDeux: It is! People act like they’re somewhat more entitled! Like they’re more equipped.
Cornelius: The only thing an MBA is allowed to say is that they completed a rather arduous application process that is more thorough than what companies have the time or interest in doing themselves. I challenge them all the time. I know what they learn, I know how they learn it. There are some of the skills good, yes. But show it!
Cornelius: Don’t just go *pow* MBA, bitch! What’s up!
LoveMeDeux: Seriously. Don’t act like God reached down & touched you.
Cornelius: If that happened, I’d expect to cum.
LoveMeDeux: OMFG!!!!!!! You are fucking hilarious!!!
Cornelius: Too sacrilegious?
LoveMeDeux: Nooo noo, that’s not what I’m laughing at! I’m laughing at the “MBA, bitch, what up!”
Cornelius: You missed my witty banter.
LoveMeDeux: I did!!! I just saw you say it: “Pow! Mba bitch, what up!!” In your whiteboy way! That was amazing. Thank you, I totally lost it laughing.
Cornelius: Gracias!

Sadly it is a fight that’s been borne of both of us neglecting addressing it, and tonight, it came to a head. Here are the facts, cold & simple:

On New Year’s Eve 2008/2009, I was with my BFF (He’s male) and some other friends at an trendyish LA bar.

There he met his current girlfriend, Linda.

When I saw him chatting with her and some other people, I went over to say hi and introduce myself, and I went to get a water, as the night was winding to an end, and I had to drive. A cold water right before I leave the bar always keeps me in good condition to drive home.

When I went up to talk to them, Linda (who, at the time, was just some other girl in the bar) scoffed at me. I shit you not, she SCOFFED at me. She did not tell me her name. She did not even look at me, aside from the original glance. I thought that was rude.

Then I realised that this girl didn’t realise I was my BFF’s friend and was with him partying that night. She might have thought that I was trying to hit on him?

The thing that really hurt me was that he didn’t stop to tell her, “Oh hey, this is my friend, she’s here with me tonight.” He actually ignored me, and said, “So…” and turned back to talk to Linda.

I told him that it hurt me. He sort of apologized to me about it. I got a sorry, but it was after I mentioned first that he hurt me, and it was via text. That kind of hurt too.

Then he started to date Linda, seriously.

I never asked him to break up with her. I never said anything about her, actually. But he knew how I felt about her–she was rude, and he was wrong to not have explained to her that I was his friend. He was wrong to have never bridged that issue and manage our friendship. He understood and agreed.

Time passes.

About a month ago, he moves from Chicago to San Diego, which is only a 2 hr drive from me.

He forgets to tell me, his supposed “BFF” that he moved to a place that’s 2 hrs from me. Suddenly, a week ago, I find out by way of another conversation that he has moved there.

The way I find out that he’s in San Diego? He calls this past weekend and says he’s driven up to LA for the weekend, and is going out to eat and drink with Sally, and where is a good place to eat in LA.

I’m sorry?

Why are you in LA? And why are you seeing Sally, an ex-girlfriend? When you told me years ago that you hated Sally, and that you only see her for one thing, and one thing only? And don’t you have a committed relationship with your girlfriend?

What?!

It makes me very sad that this is what’s happening. Less than 1 year ago, we would know each other’s whereabouts like the backs of our hands. Less than 1 year ago, I would be the one arranging his “Welcome back to California!” party.

Plus his whole “I’m dating Linda seriously, but on the other hand, Sally and I are going to be ‘hanging out’” thing just bothers the feck out of me. We are 29 year old, grown-ass adults…is it really the time to be practicing that brand of bullsh!t? Either break up with Linda, or stop seeing your “convenience” friends like Sally.

I don’t know. I try not to judge, but this is my BFF, here. I have always prided him on being a total gentleman, but I guess this is just disappointing me.

Tonight, he’s in downtown LA, at one of my favorite bars, but he’s with his other good friends, his sister, and Linda. I don’t want to cause a scene. I told him I’m sitting this one out. I told him I’m too pissed off, and I may start a fight if I went down there. I know my limitations, but even those are volatile and I may be prone to erupting into LoveMeHulk mode. We agreed that was smart. He said he needed to address me separately. He said we need to spend some time together, just the two of us, to talk this one out.

Do you understand the gravity of the situation? My BEST friend, whom I haven’t seen since January is in town, a mere 20 miles from me–probably only about 15 minutes on the road–and I am avoiding him. Does that make any sense?!

Tell me…am I just taking it too far? Am I being upset over nothing? I don’t know, I’m too entrenched in my own emotions, I can’t be a fair judge of them.

But I’ll say this. If I know that he is in town one more subsequent weekend, and he’s hanging out with his pseudogirlfriend or some other girl instead of taking the time to address this problem we have, I’m going to have to close this chapter of him in my life.

I just can’t handle any more neglect from someone who is supposed to be a best friend.